Sifting through faces is easy. Sifting through emotions is not.
I am in control as I pass by the unfamiliar, some more recognizable than others. Expectations are low because I am naive enough to believe I once had the best. I have never been more wrong. At this time my fiery heart of hope and romance has faded to a glimmer and I wonder if I will ever get it back. My fingers are fixed in a repetitive motion, that is until I find the view appealing. Your kind eyes and undeniable smile draws me in, allowing my right hand to stray from the monotonous swipe. Your response comes with a bittersweet prick on my finger that sends a shockwave through my body. A "hello" different from all of the others. Jokes about jetting off to far away countries and indulging on delectable carbs and fine wine. Following the first compliment you send my way, I fire back because I am unsure of your intentions. Conversation flows and my expectations skyrocket, despite our wants being different. I see your name light up my phone and I am sparked with excitement. Butterflies swarm my stomach when I am in your presence -- the only anxiousness I take pleasure in. The most caring and genuine. A cherished lip lock, sweeter than honey. My thoughts are ferociously wrapped around you. A knock at the edge of my brain that is impossible to ignore -- despite our wants being different. I give in effortlessly. Conversation turns sluggish and all I can hear is a steady buzz. I look down and trace the scar on my knee with the same finger that was stung, while my pinky feels your promise -- hoping I can still be the one to bring you luck. Soon I am forced along a winding path of memories that leaves me cemented. An ache that I live with every day, not knowing if I will ever have the privilege of seeing you again. You ask me if I am held back yet I am unsure. Darkness slowly fades into morning as I toss and turn the night away. The temperature outside these walls is sweltering, but I get an icy chill whenever the thought of you stops by. Why are you back so soon? You greet me with the sunrise and toy with my happiness during daylight. A type of persistence that could only come from myself. Nostalgia attempts to hold my smile together, but as soon as I close my eyes, I can see yours -- and mine begin to water. Tension builds and it feels as though there is a firework show exploding in my head. The stinger pierces deeper into my hand until I am numb, but all I want to do is thank you. Except for no longer being in control.
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December 2017
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